(c) 2017, Madison Lawson
I decide to write her a letter.
Texting is too informal. Calling or talking in person is too scary.
So, I’m going to buy stationary. And a new pen.
Not that I don’t already have paper and pens at home, but it all seems… unworthy of the letter.
So I go to the store, grab a basket, and walk up and down the aisles like I’m just looking. I can’t get myself to get what I need and leave. I don’t want to have to write the letter.
But finally, I head to the stationary section and spend almost ten minutes staring at different greeting cards before grabbing a ream of new yellow stock and a package of three black ballpoint pens.
After arriving home, I pour a glass of wine, pull my long blonde hair into a bun and set up at my small, light brown desk.
“Look ahead” they say. “It only will get better.”
They warn you about being stuck in your past, encourage you to move on to the future.
Well, You’re my future.
But you have to know about my past. Finding yourself, being true to who you are and who you want, is the most difficult thing you’ll ever do.
At least that’s the case in my story.
I thought it would be great.
I didn’t know it would break me as it made me whole.
The reasoning behind writing you this is completely and utterly selfish.
I wish I could say I was doing it for other young girls like me but I’m not even sure I want anyone else to read it.
Maybe I could lie and say I’m writing this FOR YOU. So you can know me and know my love for you.
But the truth is I’m writing this because I’m scared.
I’m scared to be broken when I’m supposed to be whole.
I’m scared to reveal the worst part of me and have you leave.
I’m writing this because I don’t know how to defeat it.
The shadows are suffocating me.
My demons are calling the shots.
Fear is the monster under my bed.
If I turn on the light then the shadows will disappear and I’ll be free.
Or maybe the light switch is broken and so am I. Forever in the darkness.
I cross out the end and stop writing. I have to go into more detail. I have to tell Lexi why I act how I do. Why I’m so…
I have to. She has to know.
I love her too much not to tell her. She deserves to know.
I touch the end of the pen to the paper, ready to continue, when my phone starts singing.
“ ❤ LEXI LOVE ❤ “ flashes across the front.
Despite myself, I smile and pick up the phone.
* * * *
Madison Lawson is currently an English student at the University of Arkansas. Her work has most recently appeared in Water Soup Magazine and The Traveler Newspaper. In addition she is a queer, woman identified writer and serves as the secretary of her University’s “Students for Gender Equality.”
See what she is working on at her Website